2nd draft Ilwon Korea

Long time ago in Korea, there was a 17 years old girl who was so pretty that everyone wanted to marry her. However, the only thing that did not satisfy her family was poverty. She had two older brothers who were grown ups. Those bothers were so selfish that they decided to give her away in marriage to a wealthy old man, so that they didn’t starve. But She neither complained about it nor blamed her brothers for it. Furthermore, she said to her parents, “I’m not sad but glad. You have raised me and now I’m paying back my debt to you.” The Koreans have thought that one should respect parents and thank parents for raising oneself. Fortunately, her husband who was twenty year older than her loved her very much. They led a happy and privileged life and had kids, two sons and four daughters.
However, it was Korean War that took her husband away from her. Her husband was bombed on their way to flee to the southern part of Korea that was far from battlefields. Suddenly she had to take all responsibility for her kids. To make things worse, she lost almost everything in bombing. She realized that she became poor again and had to do something to feed her kids, two sons and four daughters. She said to herself over and over, “I’ll never let my kids starve.” She started a business in Busan. Actually it’s not a business but a kind of street vendor. She sold everything to make money in variation from matches to food. Despite her effort, her family lived from mouth to mouth, wearing ragged clothes. But she sent her kids to school and used to say, “You have to learn though you can’t eat.” “Mom, I want to earn money. I can, please,” her eldest daughter would tell her, “No, you can’t. I don’t want you to make money. If you want to please me, go to school and study.” She was typical of Korean mom who put children’s education before anything else.
After the war, she and her kids went back to Seoul. Her house was destroyed but her husband’s lands were still there. She realized it was land that even war couldn’t take away from her. She started a factory to make matches. For years, the business was good but since the electricity and modern heating system were introduced to Korea, it did not work well. Many match factories were out of business and owners of the factories were bankrupted. She was one of them. She started a factory to make game cards but it also failed because new games were coming from America. Koreans were attracted to new western games. Now she had nothing left but the land, which her late husband had owned. She realized it was land that even war couldn’t take. She decided to deal in real estates. She sold her husband’s lands and bought the lands that were supposed to be developed.
She bought the main street in Seoul, a mountain in countryside, and so on. However, she lost about half of her lands because of the president with dictatorship. With the rest of her money she went to America to provide a better education to their kids. And the grown up kids become famous. Though the woman lost her husband, she educated her kids and thought of ways to survive in harsh Korea.

Sorry if this is in the wrong place. Move it to wherever it should be.
Peer Response – 1st read-through: Herena

1. On the level of story-telling: if you were the King (or the aliens), would you allow this story-teller to live another day? If no,why not?
I’d let you live another day, the story has a good flow, but I think it could use a little more description. Maybe elaborate on some points like how beautiful she was or something. I like how you described how poor they became “liv[ing] from mouth to mouth, wearing ragged clothes”. Apply it to some of the other parts too.

2. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?)
Yes, I think this a really original idea. The plot is very interesting.

3. Think about conflict. Does the story have a natural conflict? Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed?
The conflict would be trying to survive without her husband. You made very good situations where she tries to work. The climax would probably be the point where nothing seems to work and all she’s left with is land. The resolution is very satisfying. The girl leads a better life in America with the children she educated.
The conflict is great and I don’t think it needs to be changed.

4. Think of characterization—are the characters realistic? Individual? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions?

The characters are very accurate. The girl I can tell is firm and determined by the way she doesn’t give up and continues to try. I like how you put in the part about her being a “typical of Korean mom who put children’s education before anything else”.

5. Think of word choice, imagery, and details. Do they help you see and hear and experience the story? Do any word choices need changing?
There isn’t as much detail as there could be.

6. On the level of "culture"--what do you think this writer is trying to reveal about the culture he/she lives in? Summarize what this story tells/shows about its culture in a sentence or two.
The role and hardships of women in Korean who need to singly work to support their children.

7. Does this revelation of culture possess much insight or show you something unique? Do you get a picture of cultural practices? Of gender roles, love relationships, family roles, habits, religious practices, beliefs, food, social expectations, etc.? Should anything be thrown out? Added?
I think you have the culture part down. It shows the unique view of a part of Korean life.

8. What areas of the story need the most improvement?
Like I mentioned before, a little more details would make your story a lot easier to envision. Everything else is pretty good. Nice job.

9. Summarize the theme of the story in a sentence or two. Don't just summarize the story, or say what its topic is--that's not theme. "Theme" is what the story reveals about the topic. So put your theme statement in this sort of pattern: "This story reveals that (topic) is (message about the topic)." Do your best here. You'll show the writer what his/her story DOES say, as opposed to what the writer WANTS it to say.
That determination and persistence will prevail.

Ideas Response- 2nd Read Through- Katie L
I think that it was an interesting story that showed a lot of culture. The only thing that think needs to be added are more details about the characters. It is kind of hard to picture them and i think if you added some more information on them it would make your story more exciting to read. Over all it's a good story and if it had a few more details it would be a lot better.

Ideas Response- 2nd Read Through-Travis C
I thought it was a good story, but still i think it would not let you survive. It was a little rough on the edges, but if you add some detail on the spots about the bombing, the war and about maybe the kids it would be even better. I also think that you should add more of a conflict. I see that there is a few little ones but i htink you should add one that has a little more significance. I think that it is a great story it just need a little more work.